Catch All The Girlfriends! Read online

  Catch All The Girlfriends!

  KJ Harlow

  KJHarlow.com

  Contents

  I. Not The Best Of Beginnings

  1. Wet Dream

  2. Leaving Home

  3. Burned!

  4. Onyx

  5. Going Nowhere

  6. The Gym

  7. The Ol’ Fishing Hole

  8. Fisherman Carl Wants To Battle!

  9. The Shiny

  10. Thief!

  11. The Briefing

  12. Old Man Gonzales

  13. Brawl Mode!

  14. Two-on-two

  15. Saving Flick

  16. The Next Day…

  17. Back To The Grind

  18. Taking On Stone

  19. Taking On Brother Rock

  20. Consummation

  II. Celeste Caverns

  21. Rebriefing

  22. Route #21

  23. The Celeste Caverns

  24. Wild Suzy Appears!

  25. Deeper Into The Cave

  26. Mother-In-Law From Hell

  27. 1 vs. 5,000

  28. Unrest

  29. The Star Empress

  30. Ivan Tozuck

  31. Not All As It Seems

  32. Team Boom

  33. Mother-In-Law Approves

  34. Gonzales Is Back!

  35. Bruno

  36. Clive

  37. The Final Boss

  38. Interstellar Prayer

  39. Ivan’s Confession

  40. How’s The Serenette?

  Part I

  Not The Best Of Beginnings

  1

  Wet Dream

  Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

  “Mmmrrrnghggh…”

  Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

  “Argh, shut up!”

  He slammed his fist on the alarm clock, but it kept buzzing. Throwing it into the wall usually did the trick, but this time there was no crunch.

  “Yoshi Soysauce! Up, now!”

  “Five more minutes.”

  He gripped his blanket as tight as he could, but his mom still managed to rip it off with one hand.

  “Ugh! For Frank’s sake Yosh, clean yourself up.”

  Yoshi cracked his eye open a slit and peered down. There was a sticky mess beneath his boxer shorts. It had dribbled down his legs and onto the sheets, leaving its snail-like trail behind.

  “Give me my blanket back.”

  “I’m taking it for a wash then packing it away,” came his mom’s voice from down the hall.

  Yoshi grumbled, swinging his legs out of the bed, trying to ignore the moistness clinging to his ball sack.

  “Get a move on!” she trilled.

  “Alright, alright! Calm your tits!”

  Shit. Shouldn’t have said that.

  Thunder pounded on the floorboards back towards his room. In his mom’s right hand was her feather duster, crafted from her own green tail feathers. She tilted her head side on, morning sun gleaming off her hook-shaped beak.

  “Say that again,” she hissed, venom laced in her voice.

  He gazed at her heaving chest then sullenly looked down at his toes.

  “Hands out.”

  “Mom, I’m not five anymore–”

  “HANDS OUT.”

  Yoshi extended his shaking hands, turning away, eyes squeezed shut.

  The stinging whip across his knuckles never came. He opened one eye; his alarm clock was sitting in back his hand.

  “Have you forgotten what day it is today?”

  Yoshi looked up at his mom. Her hands were on her hips, an eyebrow raised. He stared at her dumbly, earning a stab from the feather duster.

  “Ow!” She kept jabbing him. “Quit it!”

  “Not until you know why I’m doing this,” she said.

  “Abusing me.” She stabbed him even harder. “Dad!”

  “I’m poking you! Poke! Poke! Poke!”

  “Holy shit! Professor Poke!” He looked at the clock again. 9:17. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  The duster sliced through the air, smacking into his right ass cheek. “That’s what the alarm clock’s for.” She whipped him over and over like a drug mule. “What are you doing standing there? Get ready, now!”

  “Shouldn’t you already be at Professor Poke’s lab?”

  “Mom didn’t –” Yoshi’s mom walked out of the kitchen, plonking a plate of toast onto the table. “I mean, I slept in.”

  “No sitting!” his mom squawked. “You’re already late! Eat faster!”

  Yoshi’s dad shook out his morning paper. “Perri, let the boy enjoy his last meal here in peace.”

  “It won’t be his last meal if he comes back here because he missed out!”

  “He won’t miss out,” Red said calmly. “The Professor’s always had enough of them to go around. He did for me, he will for Yoshi.” Perri scoffed, pulling out a green feather from her shoulder in irritation. “Your mom tells me you had another one this morning.”

  “Another what?” Yoshi mumbled through a mouthful of bread. His dad’s eyes flicked towards his midriff and Yoshi went ketchup-red.

  “Nothing to be ashamed of,” he chuckled, a glint in his eye. “I went through the same thing. All men do. That’s how we know that it’s time.”

  Yoshi swallowed. “Yes, Dad.”

  Images from last night’s dream sat in disarray. He couldn’t piece it together, but he knew that it involved a dozen girlfriends of varying types all taking turns to pleasure him over and over.

  “You’re not spending another year in this house, do you hear me?” Perri screeched. “If Poke doesn’t have a girlfriend for you, you’re going to have to get one yourself, even if that means fighting them with your bare hands.”

  “Now, now P–”

  “Don’t ‘now, now’ me, Red! We’ve been stuck here for too long now. I miss the days where we used to travel all over the world, battling other trainers and having wild, unprotected sex with exotic girlfriends.”

  Yoshi choked. Perri shot a sly look at her son. “We could go out again, start afresh. Build a new team. Have fun like we used to.” The avian woman stepped across to her husband. She ran her hands under his shirt, raking his saggy man boobs, eliciting a shiver from him.

  “OK, I’m off!” Yoshi grabbed his bag, leaving his toast with a single bite in it behind. The door slammed shut, leaving Yoshi’s parents alone.

  “That was super effective, my love,” Red rumbled.

  Perri warbled throatily. “Indeed. Now why don’t we call out a few of the old guard and have an orgy?”

  Red sat up. “See, that’s why I chose you. No beating around the bush.”

  Perri ripped her clothes off. “Hurry up and beat around my bush!”

  Yoshi parked his bike outside the lab; there were no other bikes there. He walked over to the entrance.

  “Name?” A nasally voice spoke through the intercom, its electronic eye staring at him.

  “Yoshi Soysauce.”

  There was silence for a minute. “You’re late.”

  “I know.”

  “There are no more girlfriends.”

  That couldn’t be right. He was in this year’s cohort. There had to be one reserved for him. “Look I’m sorry, but I’m here now. Can I just come in first?”

  Silence again. There were murmurings in the background then shuffling. “Yoshi? Is that you?” The voice was older and terse.

  Yoshi relaxed. “Yeah, it’s me Professor. Sorry I’m late. I’m here to get my girlfriend.”

  “Didn’t my assistant already tell you? The other trainers were here a couple hours ago. There are none left.” Ice gripped his spine. He opened and closed his mouth, staring at the speaker. “Come in,” Poke sighe
d.

  There was a beep and a click as the deadbolt slid out.

  “I’m sorry Yoshi, the fee doesn’t guarantee you a girlfriend. It’s just registration to be considered for one.”

  Yoshi stared at Professor Poke. His hair looked like a bomb had gone off in the middle of his head, permanently rendering him bald while leaving droopy wisps of grey in a ring.

  “What do I do now?” Yoshi asked weakly.

  “Go home. Come back next year, earlier.” With his hands in his lab coat’s pockets, he turned on his heel.

  “I can’t go home. My mom would kill me.”

  “OK.”

  “Wait, ‘OK’?” Yoshi trailed after him. Many girlfriends that Yoshi had only seen online were in Poke’s lab. There was one with probes attached to various points of her muscular body, smoke coming out of the treadmill as she ran at superhuman speeds. Another spat neon-green sludge, melting a foot-thick slab of steel. Yet another sat in a room, various items circling her in mid-air, as if she were the sun and they were her planets.

  “Can’t I just take one of those ones?”

  Poke turned around abruptly. “No, you may not. This is a place of academic study and science, to further mankind’s understanding of girlfriends. It’s not a pet shop. Amethyst gives out a set number and we pass them on, first come first serve.” He stared at Yoshi. “Come back next year.”

  “I can’t,” Yoshi repeated. Judging from his expression, sympathy wouldn’t work. Time for a change in tact. “How about that time my dad lent you my mom?”

  Professor Poke didn’t blink. “What about it?”

  “Well…” This old bag wasn’t making it easy. “You still owe us from that time.”

  If possible, Poke frowned even deeper. “Firstly, your mother was ill. I was taking her in as a favor for your father. Secondly, you’re not really in a position to blackmail someone when you have no leverage.”

  Well shit.

  “You know what, forget this. I don’t need your shitty girlfriends. There are thousands crawling through the grass out there. How hard can it be capturing one?”

  Poke sighed. “You know that you can’t physically or legally exit town areas without at least one girlfriend. If the police don’t stop you, the gates will when they can’t sense your GF rings. Speaking of which…” He leaned over and peered at Yoshi’s side. “You don’t even have a ring belt yet.”

  Yoshi’s hand flew to his hip. Professor Poke was right. Without the belt, he had no way of storing his girlfriends when he wasn’t in battle.

  Sympathy – nope. Blackmail –nope. What was left?

  “Then… give me a belt with some empty rings Professor, please…” Yoshi kneeled on the cold tiled floor, messy hair hanging across his forehead. He could feel the condescending eyes of the lab assistants crushing him, but he was desperate.

  After some time, he looked up. Shit, where did he go?

  “He’s over there.” One of the lab assistants lazily gestured towards the right side where there was a wall of cells. Yoshi could just make out Poke’s bomb blast hairstyle amongst a swarm of white coats with their notepads out.

  “Son of a bitch,” Yoshi muttered.

  He lurched to his feet and shuffled over. He craned his neck but couldn’t see what everyone was looking at. Professor Poke started making his way to the next cubicle, his flock of coats fluttering behind him.

  “I was talking to you.”

  “Oh Yoshi, you’re still here?”

  Yoshi gritted his teeth, then exhaled. “Professor Poke, I need a girlfriend. I’ll do anyth–”

  “Hold that thought.” Poke turned to a large, round assistant, taking a tablet that was offered to him. He scrolled through the screen, brow becoming increasingly furrowed.

  “How long has she been like this?” Poke asked him.

  “Ever since she came out of her ring,” the fat guy said. “She drinks water and eats a little, but refuses to talk. She still can’t remember what happened prior to her capture, either.”

  Poke hummed disapprovingly. “Alright.” The tablet blipped and he handed it back to the assistant. “Go on ahead. I’ll catch up.” El rondo raised an eyebrow, flicking a glance at Yoshi.

  Poke watched his assistants move to the next cells. “Come here.” Yoshi shuffled closer to him. The professor was staring through the one-way mirror, arms crossed. The girlfriend was sitting on the floor of the padded cell, pulling her knees into her chest. She brushed the midnight blue hair out of her eyes, revealing a single black five-point star on her right cheek.

  Poke turned to Yoshi, who was transfixed by the sorry sight. “You will do anything, you say?”

  You have received Ring Belt!

  You have received 6x GF Rings!

  Yoshi closed the ring belt around his waist, adjusting it until it was snug. He tried to ignore Poke’s intense gaze as he struggled to fit the GF rings into the sockets. There was a solid click as he turned it so that the ring was parallel to the ground. Finally.

  “Thanks again,” Yoshi mumbled.

  “You’re doing me a favor so it’s the least I can do for you,” Poke said unsmilingly. Starlotte stood next to Poke, fidgeting nervously. She looked uneasy, eyes flicking up to Yoshi. “Starlotte,” Poke said gently, “you’ll be going with Yoshi here to run an errand. I’ve already told him that when he runs into any wild girlfriends to not send you into battle.”

  Poke offered her his hand. She hesitantly rested hers in his palm. Poke slipped a crystal-embedded ring onto her index finger. There was flash of blue light, a flicker and Starlotte disappeared into it.

  “Remember, I’m only letting you borrow her. There should be no reason for you to let her out in the wild. Around town is fine,” Poke said, handing Yoshi the ring. “Go to the Celeste Caverns, call my contact Ivan and make sure that he gives you an update on his findings.” Yoshi started making his way towards the door. “And remember, if you see any wild girlfriends, do not engage in battle. Starlotte has no physical attacks. You must escape.”

  2

  Leaving Home

  “Come on, say hi.” Yoshi nudged his girlfriend. She stumbled slightly, as if she had just been rammed by a charging goat. “She’s just shy,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

  Perri hadn’t taken her eagle eyes off Starlotte since the moment she had stepped into her house. “You might as well go into the wild naked,” she said.

  “Mom, just because she can’t fight, doesn’t mean that she won’t be able to help me catch more girlfriends.” He held his mother’s steely stare while his armpits became moist.

  “Have some belief in our boy, dear. If he says that he’ll be able to catch more girlfriends, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  Red looked at his son, doing his best to nod reassuringly. He failed to keep the question marks out of his eyes.

  “What do you care anyway? You couldn’t wait to see the back of me this morning. Having a change of heart?” Maybe it was because of the timid girlfriend standing next to him, but Yoshi wouldn’t usually be so stupid as to challenge his mom. Her eyes flickered over to the sides of his plain, black T-shirt where the sweat patch was spreading into uncharted territory.

  “Don’t talk to your mother in–”

  “No,” Perri said. Her beak clicked shut. “No, I’m not having a change of heart.” Looking once more at the inferior, blue-haired girlfriend, she turned around. “Come on dear. Let’s give our son some time to get ready.”

  Red flung his arms around his son, crushing him. Perri stuck a stiff, feathered hand out. “We’ll be seeing you soon.” She flung another dagger glance at Starlotte, nailing her between the eyes before she could avert her gaze.

  Yoshi clenched his jaw, aborting the reluctant hug he had been steeling himself to give her. “No, you won’t be.” Starlotte tailed in his shadow as he approached Officer Suzuki watching on from the gate.

  “Don’t forget everything I taught you about catching girlfriends! And don’t
forget to use the GF-wiki!” Red yelled. Yoshi raised a hand, waving it casually in the air. The light on top of the gate changed from amber to green as he left his hometown.

  Yoshi and Starlotte walked further and further away from Topaz. 20 years he had been there, and tonight was the first time that he had gone out without supervision. His heart clanged against his ribcage in excitement, picking up its tempo as he snuck a look at his girlfriend. She was slightly shorter than he was and wore white skinny jeans, ankle boots and a navy blouse.

  “Do you… want to go back into your ring?” Yoshi asked. Whoa, slow down there, Casanova.

  Starlotte shook her head, bangs spreading out over her pale forehead. “Sorry about my mom before. I’ve never seen one in the wild before, but Dad tells me that Perris are one of the most intimidating avian girlfriends out there.”

  “It’s OK…” Starlotte said, voice soft as a moonbeam. She slightly averted her gaze from her temporary trainer, her long hair hiding her face like a drawn curtain. So she can talk. “Why didn’t you tell them that I wasn’t yours?”

  Yoshi stopped walking for a moment; the question had taken him off guard. “Didn’t want them asking questions, I guess. I was meant to leave earlier today but... something came up at home.” Her hair was almost black at night. She combed it back behind her ear, revealing the single, black star on her cheekbone. “B-besides,” he said, clearing his throat, “you are mine, right now anyway.” Was that too forceful? She stopped walking and looked at him.